TheWorldOfBen

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Autism

Last night something happened which bothered me a lot. It's also probably something that most people won't be able to understand because they haven't been there. I won't really be able to describe the general feeling of the whole thing.

I'll just start by explaining that I live with autism in the family. My older brother and my father are both autistic. My older brother was diagnosed with it when he was nine, but my father's never been diagnosed... we're just sure of it. If you don't know what autism is, here's a wikipedia article on it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autism. If my father is in fact not autistic, then he is certainly a psychopath (I don't mean that in a silly way, it's actually a clinical term: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychopathy). My father defies explanation, and I have a lot of negative emotions towards him due to stuff that is old family history. I don't think I can ever respect him as a person, although I can live with him and to some extent tolerate and get on with him. I actually found this in the article on psycopathy, and it's quite troubling:

Cleckley defined psychopathy thus:
1. Superficial charm or intelligence.
2. Absence of delusions and other signs of irrational thinking.
3. Absence of nervousness or neurotic manifestations.
4. Unreliability.
5. Untruthfulness and insincerity.
6. Lack of remorse or shame.
7. Antisocial behavior without apparent compunction.
8. Poor judgement and failure to learn from experience.
9. Pathological egocentricity and incapacity to love.
10. General poverty in major affective relations.
11. Specific loss of insight.
12. Unresponsiveness in general interpersonal relations.
13. Fantastic and uninviting behavior with drink, and sometimes without.
14. Suicide threats rarely carried out.
15. Sex life impersonal, trivial, and poorly integrated.
16. Failure to follow any life plan.

My father exhibits every one of those traits, with the exception of number 14. (not to say that he always carries out his suicide threats... he has never made one as far as I know), and possible exception of number 2.

But my father isn't the purpose of this posting.

My older brother is more classically autistic. He was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, which means that he has a high level of intelligence (as attested by the fact that he's doing his PhD) but has no social skills. He gets very obsessive about TV shows, and doesn't exhibit much emotion in other circumstances. He has never been told that he is Autistic, and it wouldn't do him any good to know that now.

So, what happened last night? Well, I was sitting exactly where I am now, at this computer, and I heard my older brother yelling indignantly. A few minutes later I was hit by a wave of tiredness, and decided to go to bed early, so I turned off the computer and went to the kitchen to get a snack of some sort, and my mum told me that my older brother had just yelled at her over something to do with a DVD. Not to get into details, but it was a bad quality DVD, and my mum wasn't at fault for that. As I walked past his room, I told my brother not to get angry at someone for something that's not their fault, and his excuse was that he was 'stressed'. "Stressed?" I replied, thinking maybe that he's under a lot of pressure with his PhD, but no, he meant that he was 'stressed' about the DVD, which was of a series he had wanted to see since his childhood. I explained to him that you can't be 'stressed' about a DVD (Am I wrong, or does there need to be an amount of pressure and/or responsibility falling on your head to be stressed?) and he went off at me saying I don't understand because I haven't seen how bad the DVD is. He said he was trying to watch it for a while, but had to stop because the picture quality was so bad. A DVD is not grounds to be stressed, and I tried to explain to him that he felt 'disappointed' or maybe 'frustrated', but that he can't blame his behaviour on that, and that he needed to take responsibility for his actions. I went to my room to get ready for bed, and he followed me, close to tears, reitterating that I can't understand until I've seen the DVD. I told him outright that it's not grounds to be stressed, and the 'stress' he felt at making himself watch it until he could stand it no more was self inflicted. He looked like he was about to cry and I felt like hugging him, but I thought for a second that a hug would not help him at all (He didn't need a hug after he got bashed on the train for fuck's sake... Mum hugged him then because she needed a hug... I needed a hug, but he didn't). He was still going on about that crap about being stressed and was just getting really worked up. The rest of the family was in the loungeroom trying to watch a movie on TV, and I was trying to go to bed, so I yelled at him "SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" so I could get a word in edgeways, and the rest of my family, in the loungeroom were telling him to grow up, it's a TV series, he'll see the DVD (in good quality) soon... he can fucking buy it himself. Then I led him into his room and left him there when I went to the toilet. As I walked through my loungeroom it was clear that everyone thought I had antagonised him, and I was starting to think I'd just stay the fuck out of it now. I was really bothered by this whole thing. That meant that it took me a while in the toilet, for only a small job, because I wasn't relaxed, and while in their I could hear him sobbing from his room. Not just sobbing, but really loudly coughing, trying to get attention. I knew someone was going to snap and have a go at him soon, but I just thought "I'll just stay the fuck out of that." But when I walked to the bathroom to wash my hands (we have an oddly layed out house, with a toilet separate to the bathroom), my brother was in the lounge room and he followed me into the bathroom (this following me and getting in my space really bugs me). He told me that he only got upset because *I* refused to understand his stress. So much for staying out of this, because I obviously needed to resolve it. I had to lie to tell him that I could understand his 'stress'... well, it was only half a lie, because I put myself in his shoes - regarding sci-fi TV shows as the most important thing in life. Ok, I couldn't understand the 'stress', but I could understand the disappointment, in a way... but it's not like he'll never see that TV series. I asked him if he wanted a hug, and he just kind of clung onto me like some weird space monkey... kind of extracting a hug from me. I explained to him that he'll see the series another time, and it can be soon, and he said how he'd just wanted to see it since he was a kid, and he was sobbing again, in my arms, in the bathroom. My younger brother called out "Well WE'RE trying to watch THIS now" and my older brother called back "YEAH? WELL HAVE YOU BEEN WANTING TO WATCH THAT SINCE YOU WERE A KID?". That made me really angry... he's still trying to justify his behaviour. So I dragged/carried my older brother down the hallway to his room, still hugging him, trying to get him away and trying to get him to calm down. I explained to him that it's no reason to be upset now, because he can see the series another time, it's not a be all and end all situation. He started up again about how much he's wanted to see that show since he was a kid. ENOUGH! I didn't care anymore, I just wanted him to shut the fuck up... I just said to him "Well, there's nothing you can do about it now, and you're in a state, so please just do something that'll calm you down". So he started watching a Star Wars DVD. I went to my room, where I hadn't turned on the lights, and as soon as I was inside, I just burst into tears, totally silently, but my body was shaking. I curled up in the dark on my bed and just sobbed for about 10 minutes. I let myself cry... call me a Sensitive New Age Guy, or an emotional girly man, I don't care. I'm going to 'get in touch with my emotions' if I need to, so I don't end up where I was a few years ago. That familiar and sickly smell of tears and snot filled my nostrils, and I realised how long it'd been since I'd been crying alone in my room in the dark, drenched in that smell. And I suddenly felt good. There was a huge difference here. I wasn't crying about myself anymore... about how much I suck, how much I hate myself, how much I want to die. That's in tha past. I was crying because I love my brother. I love him, and it's hard to love him. He lives in a different world, where a TV show can make you cry, and being bashed black and blue on a train is only a bit confusing. I don't understand him. I think what hurt the most was that I know I wouldn't even tolerate him if I wasn't a blood relative, and yet people who don't tolerate him MAKE ME SO ANGRY. I'm worried about his future, what he's going to do in his life... how he's ever going to cope in the world. Hell, I'm still worried about how I'M going to do that.

In other news, my friend who got dumped by his girlfriend has been told a lot of bad stuff, and he's even more upset than before. The other night I was drinking with him, and I had to work in the morning. He was drinking Bacardi Oro and Coke out of a huge novelty glass he was given for xmas. I didn't want him to drink the whole thing and get any drunker and more depressed, so I was skulling out of the glass. I don't even remember going to bed that night. The last thing I remember is sitting with him and the giant glass at the train crossing, and in the morning I woke up and I was drunk. Not just drunk, but wasted. I hardly even remember talking to my parents that morning, and next time I signed on MSN I could see that I'd been chatting with people in the morning when I was drunk, which I had very little memory off... but I found the chatlogs. I was actually comparitively sober (acting) when I got to work... I feel like I need a break from alcohol.

Anyway, that's my world for the moment.
Ben

Saturday, December 31, 2005

A new year, a new ...

Well, I'll begin this post with the events of ...

Wednesday the 28th of December:
Dan and I went to Indooroopilly shopping center... not really with anything in mind. I bought phone credit, and we went and had lunch. I had some kind of chicken and avocado roll thing from a place called Food 2 Go or something like that - some chips and a prawn fritter too. They didn't have enough chips so I got some potato gems in there as well. The roll thing looked quite appealing with a nice soft pastry covering, but the chicken inside was suspiciously dark and hard... which I decided was a bad thing after eating nearly half of it. The chips and gems were average, and the fritter tasted like it was made with off prawns. So there went a $10 lunch down the drain (or actually in the bin), and I decided I wanted to make sure I didn't get food poisoning, so I shouted Dan and myself a shot of tequila at the Pig n' Whistle, which was the beginning of a casual Wednesday arvo drinking session. We took the train back to the city, and went to Gilhooleys and got lots of free alcohol... partly because we know the people who work there and they are generous to a fault, and partly because we won two jugs of beer in a trivia competion. Dan got to choose what songs came on, and we danced to Doop (by Doop) and Here's Johnny (by Hocus Pocus) among other less trashy songs. I seriously nearly danced myself to death. And we met a guy called Dennis, who was a window-pane-putter-inner or something like that. He was saying how he works for the company that supplied the materials for the reality TV show The Hothouse. There was some dickhead watching the soccer on the big screen who kept swearing at us when we walked in front of the screen. We danced like maniacs, and I didn't want to finish my beer. We went home then.


Thursday the 29th of December, 2005:
I was in the city with a friend who I know from the internet. It was a stinking hot day and we were at Southbank and we walked across the Goodwill Bridge and through the gardens and back up into the city. Outside borders I spoke to a Hare Krishna woman and recieved a book from her, and payed $5 donation. I've been reading bits of it and it's actually quite interesting. I told the woman (I think her name was Tara, or Tayra or something) that my belief system is totally sorted out in my head... I'm open to new ideas though, so the book is interesting to me. After me nearly falling asleep in Borders, and buying a German phrasebook, we went and got some cheap Chinese food from a funny little shop. I ate satay chicken, with these cool little noodles. It actually tasted quite nice, until one of the noodles seemed excessively chewy. I plunged a finger into my mouth to fish it out. I felt like a food doing that, but as I pulled it out - what the fuck? It's a loop. It's a freaking rubber band. The noodles were about the same colour and thickness, so it wasn't at all noticeable. Internet Friend stared in shock, and I found it amusing, and I was too hungry to stop eating. When I was finished, I just let the people that work there know what happened, but I started off by saying "I'm not angry but I just thought I'd let you know...". Haha, I'm such a passive person.

When I got home I got a phone call from a collegue who wanted me to take his shift the next morning. I'd been given no shifts this week, and I only got shifts by accepting other people's shifts. I said I'd do it. Dan and I had been planning to go up to our pub (the one we work at) to do Karaoke. We still went ahead as planned, but I didn't want a big night. After drinking 3 Smirnoff Twists at Dan's place, and then getting lots of free beer at work, the plans for Karaoke, and a small night were abandoned... we got a lift home, and chatted for a while. We were wasted. I had to work in the morning.

Friday the 30th of December, 2005:
I woke up after a dream about aliens invading. I lay in bed for a while going over the dream, and then remembered I had to work. I checked my phone, checking that I hadn't slept through my alarm. It was 6:30, so I went back to sleep to get that last hour. I felt fine.

I woke up again and checked the time. 7:15. I turned the alarm off and got up, and I felt disgusting. The existance of the universe seemed a repulsive thought to me. Everything was repulsion. I sat in the air conditioning and tried to eat two slices of toast with Vegemite, but I was struggling with the second one. As I went into my room to get clothes for after a shower, I nearly spewed all over my bed. Managed to hold it in until I got to the bathroom, and nearly let it all out there, but I hate vomiting so much I decided to hold it all in. It's my stomach and I can tell it what to do. I could feel my whole oesophagus tensing up in readyment. How the fuck was I going to be able to go to work like that? I had a long shower and started to feel ok. While in the shower I remembered that I had typed a word into my phone to remember it when I'm sober. I got out of the shower and shaved, got dressed, and checked my phone. The word was 'loinhole'. So I had a little chuckle and got on my bike and rode to work. Work was actually quite bearable, but the end of the shift couldn't come fast enough. I was going to have a few drinks at Dan's place that night, but then I declared that day and alcohol free day for me. Dan changed plans because he had to go over to his grandpa's place, and then he ended up getting drunk at a goth-chick friend of ours's place.

Saturday the 31th of December, 2005:
I knew this was going to be a big day. I had work from 5 pm to 10 pm, and then a New Year's party was to come after that. Dan was working with me, but starting at 4, so I got a lift with him and worked unpaid for an hour. Being New Year's, it was busy, but even busier than expected. We were rushed off our feet for a lot of the time. It was hectic. A big group of people who we knew some of turned up. It was mad crazy. Because it was a busy night we had to be really agressive in asking for ID. Anyone who looked under 25 had to be IDed. A guy and a girl turned up and the guy asked for a 6pack of rum and coke, and I asked him for ID, and he said he'd just recently lost it. I explained to him that now that I'd asked for ID, and he hadn't produced it, I was legally not allowed to serve him. His girlfriend had ID and she said she'd just buy it, and then I explained that I couldn't now serve her either, because I knew it was for him. I tried to explain 'It's not me, it's the law'. The guy was going inside to find the security guard he knows... so he could vouch for his age, but he wasn't on that night. I tried to seem apologetic, even though I was just doing my job. I told the girl that I hope they had a good night. For what it's worth, I do believe this guy was over 18, but the lost ID does sound a bit convenient. The guy came back, knowing that the security guard he knows wasn't on, and he was telling me that he was a regular there. I said "Well, I've never seen you before", and then he suddenly made it personal, telling me I'm a fucking dickhead, that I should shave my sideburns and whatever. I just kind of went into 'whatever mode', told him sarcastically that I would shave off my sideburns, and he's then telling me not to be a smartarse and to come out from behind the counter to settle it... Dan was calling security, and other customers were laughing at the guy and he was threatening them too... one girl there put herself in between her boyfriend and this cockhead. He left when he was told that security was on its way. Fucking wanker. Anyway, what surprised me is my reaction... apart from a slight bit of sarcasm, it didn't even affect me. I carried on serving other customers. I didn't feel any fear, any aggression. I think I'm dead inside. I don't respond to some things, and it's usually the serious things. I guess I would have been scared if Dan wasn't there, and security wasn't coming, but I don't know. I few months ago some friends and I were driving at night near the airport and there was an invisible bend where we nearly lost control of the car. We would have probably died, because the crash might not have been noticed by anyone around. The other guys in the car were a little shaken up, but I was just like "oh...". After this cockhead at work left though, I noticed that my arms had done their thing and become weak, which means I did respond in some way... subconsciously, although I think that was only actually after the incident... It's so counter productive - I've only just realised - a hangover from a strange childhood and my fears of turning into a violent man, like my father. Now I'm not complaining that I'm not a violent person, but I'm wondering if this would prevent me from really defending myself if it really got to that stage. Would there be an override switch? Would adrenaline kick in and actually give me increased strength (which I experienced once when I lifted a guy I went to school with from the train tracks when I thought he was going to be hit by a train), or would the violence issue still sap all energy from me... This could be a way in which my father can STILL hurt me, even though his abusive behaviour was stopped long ago by a court order. Maybe I should go and see a 'therapist' about this (*sounds like a yank*), take up some kind of martial art - even just imagining taking a martial arts course has just made it hard to type because my arms have just gone a little bit. Ok, so I've gone on a massive sidetrack here, and this has nothing to do with New Year's eve, but it's just something I got to thinking about.

Anyway, so at the end of the night, we were about $32 down in the till... for which Dan and I put our own money in to correct. It just sucks because there was a good chance it was probably Dinosaur's fault, but coming on after him it falls on our heads.

Anyway, so we were just glad to get out of there, and we drove off to the New Year's party. On the road we noticed a huge huntsman spider crawling up the inside of the windscreen.

When we got to the party, it was a bit after 11, and we started drinking - I had Wild Turkey bourbon, and vanilla coke. We were talking to the girl who Dan goes to uni with who lives there, who will be known as La Quiff. She's lovely, except she was drunk, and asking about how Dan's going 'with his girl', and he had to explain that they'd broken up, and it took her a while to understand that he didn't want to talk about it. Dan mentioned the whole Burnsy thing, and it seemed like he was telling it to put me in my place or make me feel bad about it, so there was a bit of laughing at my expense, yay. I'm not pissed off, I'm just kind off feeling worn out.

Including myself, there were three redheaded guys at the party... and we all had big sideburns... although the consensus was that mine were the best (the two other guys were brothers, and one of them was only 17... give him time).

And yeah, Mr New Year's was there. He still lives there. And he seemed to be single now, although his ex (??) was one of the first people I saw as we got to the party. I wasn't really sure if I even still had a crush on him. I was kind of passively watching him for a while, and he was kind of the life of the party. Mr New Year's (MNY) and La Quiff did the 'dots dance', which was just madly jumping around on a piece of carpet with big dots on it - hilarious. A group of people including La Quiff and MNY all did a countdown (5 minutes too late) and stripped off madly and jumped in an inflatible pool. A girl called Sarah fell into a fence paling with a nail sticking out of it... she had a big gash in her leg. I took her to the bathroom and looked in the cabinets and only found White King (bleach) and Listerine (mouthwash), but the guys from next door came in with detol and bandages. A panadol tablet was forcibly shoved into her mouth, and it became chaos: Listerine all over her leg, all over everyone, everyone shouting. MNY's contribution was to flick the bathroom lights on and off like a disco. Haha. Later Iended up in his room having a chat to some girls while he was playing the piano, but I didn't really speak to him that much, just a little bit. I get the feeling I'd get on with him quite well but I really don't know, and the crush started to fade a little bit, I think - but actually I don't know.

Something which I missed... I don't know where I was at the time, but apparently a couple of people from down the street gate crashed. They were really annoying and wouldn't leave, so a girl called Jo pushed one of them down the stairs... the at the bottom of the stairs, this guy picked up a bottle and threw it at the house. MNY, who is normally a very calm person, just picked up the broken bottle and chased after the gatecrashers and chased them away... haha, I kinda wish I saw that...

We were still awake at sunrise, so we walked up the hill to a church. I walked to E's place and called out, no answer so I sent her a message. Got a reply back later, and she's split up with her boyfriend, and she's not living there anymore - and at the moment she's interstate with a friend for New Years.

At the church we sat on the grass and had a view of the city and the sun rising through it, and got bitten by green ants. We went back home and MNY was just about to wake up to go to work (at 6 am) and I couldn't get to sleep because a girl who was sleeping on the futon kept moaning whenever I got close to nodding off. I had to have a little giggle each time. So I got up and I was eating cherry ripes and sitting on the front verandah. I realised MNY had slept through his alarm, so I knocked on his door, and he was awake... I said "I think you slept through your alarm" and he said he reset it. I only spoke to him a little bit because the girl on the futon woke up and Dan came inside cause sleeping in his van was impossible once the sun had hit it.

Futon girl went home, Dan moved onto the Futon and I found La Quiff's bed empty downstairs and slept there. Then we drove home, stopping at Maccas and at work... had a chat to Dinosaur. Actually quite a graphic discussion about AGBs... Blah blah blah.

Anyway, I'm sitting at home now in the air conditioning, chilling out. Thinking periodically about MNY. It's hard to tell if I still have a crush on him... it may even be stronger than before... but everything is just so abstract at the moment. And personally I'm feeling ok, but I think I need to spend more time with friends who really think I'm something fucking special... not that I'm feeling taken for granted, but bah, I dunno. I miss my uni friends. I'm in a little bit of a rut at the moment, but overall I'm optimistic about things.

I'm just going to stop writing now because this is long enough...
Take care!
Ben

5:49pm 1/1/06

Monday, December 26, 2005

Boxing day.

So, yesterday was Boxing Day, and to celebrate it we had our annual Boxing Day Friendship Drinks, lol. This was the first year that I came. We started off at the pub where I work. We started at noon. We got quite drunk. It was Dan and Lucas and Fi and I to start with. We had a drink called a Brain Teaser, which Rachel invented... it had sweet sherry and baileys or something in it... it looked like brains, it was kinda cool... and when I had finished it, it looked like there'd been placenta in the shot glass. Lol.

We were still there at 7:30, having promised to meet friends at a classier pub closer to home, and we were late. We went into the public bar to use the taxi phone and I got talking to one of the regular customers who often comes out the front and buys alcohol from me. She didn't know my name, and I pretended I didn't know her name for conversation's sake. She didn't know my name, but she knew my nickname. It's quite funny, because I'd been mishearing my nickname for a few days. I thought they were just calling me Benji at work... especially this one guy. But he always said it with a funny accent or something. Well, I found out that it's Burnsy. Ok, I thought... cool... a reference to the sideburns. That's not a bad nickname. Someone called me Chopsy McGee once, which made me crack up. Ok, well, this girl, the regular, Emma, told me that's not why I'm called Burnsy.

It's a reference to Mr Burns from the Simpsons...

Apparently I was seen struggling with a carton once. I don't know when. Now, I'm not a complete weakling, but I think I'm the weakest out of everyone that I work with in retail. I don't normally struggle with cartons, but a few times I've really thrown myself into it, and my arms have kind of gone "No more"... or I was holding it awkwardly or something. Ok, I'm not even gonna bother making excuses... that's not why I'm writing here. My point is that until now I haven't felt like an outsider at work. I get called this name to my face, and they assume I don't know the real reason behind it. It's just like in high school, being talked about behind my back and having no idea, and when I found out back then I just wanted to kill myself.

I've been feeling surprisingly well adjusted lately, and nothing has really thrown me around that much. My emotions are becoming more and more under my control. And I've finally recognised one more thing about myself... a small revelation. I've always thought I was kind of girly. Really obviously gay et cetera. I now know I'm not; enough people have been really obviously surprised when I told them, a few even just outright refused to believe me, and thought I was joking. This is gonna sound really poxy when I use the word "society" but I will forge ahead: Society has always told me that I'm a girly man... gay men are not real men et cetera. The phrase "red blooded heterosexuality"... what the hell do they think my blood is? Pink? Even many psychologists believe that homosexual men simply have female brains. Many psychologists are fucking wrong. Well, ok, I don't know about every gay man, but really, I'm just realising now that I am a guy. My sexuality doesn't pervade every aspect of my being, it's just one tiny thing - granted, it's caused a lot of the rest of me to readjust, but I'm just a guy. I did a kind of psychological brain-gender test online: sounds dodgy, but it was actually a scientific one, with tests of spatial imaging skills, spotting which objects had moved, picking the emotion in pairs of eyes. Despite my good score on the eye-emotion thing, I got a perfect score for the spatial imaging things (recognising angles, moving 3D tetrus block shaped objects around in my head), and I got a shockingly low score for the task where I had to look at a picture for a minute, and then click on the objects which had been moved. I ended up with the average male score. I'm just a guy. Anyway, so I've been having some issues with my masculinity, and now this fucking nickname...

And actually, it's not bothering me in itself... I'm kind of worried what my reaction's going to be next time I get called that... and it will happen. I don't want to cause any friction at work, but then I don't want to be called that by those two smug arseholes assuming I have no idea. It'll be like grade 12 all over again. Last night when I was drunk there were a couple of times when I had to stop myself from crying. And I was wondering if everyone at work is in on the joke. I was wondering if la beliĉo (already embarrassed by the name I gave him) is in on it. "No," I thought, "he's too much of a nice guy. He might laugh a little, but then stick up for me"... then again, maybe he wouldn't, and again I'm dwelling on thoughts of someone I can't have.

So the night kind of entered a down note. Dan's only coping when he's drunk at the moment. His "friend" Brad, who we'd told about the split, was bugging Dan going "How are you and ?" and persisting with it even when Dan explained that he didn't wanna talk about it. Brad can be a fucking wanker sometimes. I was staring into my glass feeling sorry for myself. But then it ended up being Dan who cheered me up by just general silliness. On the walk home from the pub, we went past a house with a kind of party going on, and Brad went over to introduce himself... Dan and I were trying to stop him, because that kind of thing can end up being a very fucked situation... repeat what I said before about Brad. But it actually ended up being, by total coincidence, some guy who Dan and Brad went to school with, and we hung around there for a while. I was trying to work out if this off-her-face 28 year old mother of 2 children was hitting on me... but I worked out after a while that she wasn't, phew! She was leaning on me a lot but literally only for support so she didn't go crashing to the ground.

We went home, and when I went to bed I cried really intensely for about 20 seconds...(still silently of course) - it's the first time I've cried in ages. I just needed to release a lot of stuff, and most of it wasn't my stuff... more to do with the stuff from two postings ago. I'm feeling ok now, but I'm having a craving for some kind of spaghetti or lasagne or something... I haven't had breakfast yet. I think I'm still a little bit drunk... my head's spinning occasionally. At least I'm in air-conditioning... aside from the stuff I said about la beliĉo, I'm really looking forward to New Year's, and my encounter with Mr. New Year's... but as usual, my brain's been beating me up, telling me I'm pathetic, that I don't have a hope in hell, and that no one likes me... trash-talking piece of shit that it is... it leaves my side and kicks me when I'm down, and it's a faithful friend when all is well... I just need a hug (preferably from Mr. New Year's)... my body is fucking aching for some fucking tender contact... I don't want sex just yet... just tenderness... why the fuck am I so complicated? I'm having a temporary lack of clarity...

Anyway, so this posting sucks. I can't put a more positive spin on things because I'm too hungover. Seems really self centred too... If you wanna hear more navel-gazing drivel, watch this space.

*sigh*
Ben

ps. 11:43 AM 27th November 2005

Sunday, December 25, 2005

La Sonĝo (The Dream)

It's Christmas day and I woke up early this morning to get a lift to the airport with Lucas to welcome Fi back from Canada. To hell with disguising names; I'm not using last names. She was there for a year (actually, a year minus one day). It was great to see her again.

Dan and I worked last night, Christmas Eve, which is the busiest day of the year for alcohol retail. We had a security guard and everything went smoothly. The security guard had an odd laugh, that went hehyehyehyehyehyehye, but he was a pretty nice, friendly guy. What didn't go smoothly was the float tin, which was Dinosaur's fault, of course - he hadn't signed off on it the night before, or that morning... I can't believe he's being promoted to duty manager... they were really desperate. I'm just worried cause now I'm not just working next to him, but under him... Dan gave me a lift home and left him knowing that today would be really tough for him... the first christmas he's had without his girlfriend or his grandma.

Also last night, the crush I have on the guy at work (not gonna mention his name... I'll call him la beliĉo) seemed to intensify against my wishes. He's definitely straight, I saw him checking out female customers yesterday. He's also let his face get all stubbly, which looks hot. Haha. Anyway, I was working with Dan out the front, and la beliĉo was working inside, and I was constantly finding excuses to go inside (whenever we needed stock, I offered to do get it - it's the only time I get to see la beliĉo pretty much), and I was trying to talk to him, but every time I went inside he'd get tied up with a customer. We don't really know each other, but we've known each other long enough that the original kind of getting-to-know-you questions seem a bit weird at work now, which means that speaking needs to be about something, and not knowing him that well, I have nothing to really speak to him about except work. Oh, and whenever I go inside, the conversation always turns to facial hair, because of my own distinctive facial hair. Anyway, so a lot of our interaction consists of funny looks, funny walks, and just rude things said in a joking manner... and he always pretends he's going to throw something really expensive at me. Just last night I went off at him, jokingly, he was going to throw me an empty carboard box, and I just went "Stop it, I don't want your shit" and then realised customers were staring at me. I'm not going to see la beliĉon until the new year, and last night there was a kind of contageous hand-shaking, merry-christmas-wishing thing going around, and I nearly dropped a customer's purchase when la beliĉo went to shake my hand... it's quite pathetic really. Anyway, I should stop dwelling on that one... I thought I killed those thoughts with a broom handle... I should be dwelling on the one who in a weeks time something may have happened with. Well, not dwelling, but I'm sensing my brain going for the What-I-definitely-can't-have, rather than the What-I-probably-can't-have. Ah, life is funny...

Anyway, so I only got about 3-4 hours sleep last night, and about 4 the night before, so I fucked around on the computer for a little while (in the airconditioning *ahhhhh*), learnt more esperanto (mi estos senamika komputilulo, se mi ne singardos), and then was finding it impossible to keep my eyes open. A storm was coming too, so I turned off the computer and unplugged it, left the airconditioning and retired to my bed in front of the fan, falling asleep as the thunder started to get loud. I had the most intense dream I've had in ages... I woke up at the climax of it, and we were having another storm, but this one had heaps of really loud thunder in it. I didn't want to turn the computer on, so I dashed out of bed still half asleep and started scrawling madly in three languages to get my dream down before I forgot some of the detail... I'm going to try to decipher it now, and put it in a logical order which is not going to be easy. I do have a blog especially for dreams, which I write in German, but I want to share this one here. I actually don't think I dream linearly... I think there must have been times when there was more than one thread going on at once... as usual, dreams are often highly erratic, so I've divided it up into chapters.

La sonĝo
Chapter 1 - Three thick theives

There were three guys, none of them was me, and they were at their place of work, or the place of work of one of them. It was kind of a dark, almost dank place, like a brewery or something, and they were stealing something from the place, but when they closed (or was it 'opened'?) a door, they accidentally set off and alarm and ran before the police came. One of them disappeared somewhere, I can't remember if he deserted the others or what. The two others stumbled into a room with a rather odd (to put it mildly) contraption. It was like two planes of bristles... one suspended from the roof, and one standing up from the floor. It reminded me a little bit of a car wash, and it filled up most of the room. The top and bottom halves moved backwards and forwards in opposite directions, kind of like some big device for scrubbing something. The two guys climbed in between the planes of bristles, to hide from the police. They risked having their skin scrubbed off in an effort to hide.

Chapter 2 - Fight club
There was a similarly dank environment, but I think this one was a club - possibly the last chapter should actually follow on from this one, and maybe it was even the same place, and with the same characters, but I can't remember the order - the club was a lot like ric's. I just remember that there was someone who was either there, or was supposed to be there, who I had a mad crush on. People were doing something like street fighting, and I think the cops got called - or maybe that was interference from the thread in the last paragraph, and they were simultaneous.

Chapter 3 - L'arsehole.
In the dream, this next part was presented like a flashback, although I don't know where it fits in that I was having the flashback, but this was supposed to be on the weekend before what happens in the next chapter. Dan and Lucas and I were at someone's house, kind of an informal gathering, a bit too quiet to be called a party. We were watching TV and something came on, possibly about gay marriage, or a gay celebrity, and one of the guys at the party was really disgusted. Just how disgusted he was is hard to convey, but he was disgusted more than the average homophobe would have been. Everyone else was going off at him, shooting him down for his attitude, and somehow it accidentally got implied that I'm gay, but the guy was too stupid to get what was accidentally implied... I felt really angry.

Chapter 3 - A Different Past.
Once again, I don't know when all this information fits into the dream, but it was actually just in the form of memories in the dream. When I went to uni, I didn't just take one psychology subject, but I did it for a couple of years (either one subject per semester, or my whole course was psychology). In my psychology class I had a friend, a guy, shorter than me, dark hair. He was a really good friend, but I had a huge crush on him, and I think one day he stopped turning up to classes and I never heard from him again. I had totally forgotten about him, and had even forgotten exactly what his face looked like, and his name. This is actually not relevant to the rest of the dream, it's just kind of background information that was in my 'memory'. The thought crossed my mind at one stage that all this might be a dream, but it seemed a little too real. It was just like reality except my memory wasn't as clear... I felt like I was perpetually drunk. Also in the past, before the dream, there had been a few times when we'd been worried about people parking out the front of our house, bad people, like stalkers or something. I remember one day staring in the window of a vehicle and not knowing if someone was staring back at me. There was a lot of random detail. James, my younger brother, was always taking eye drops. We had to throw out the curtains because they were suddenly a fire danger... I don't remember all of them anymore.

Chapter 5 - The Bit Where It Gets Fucked
It was a rainy, or cloudily lit day for a reason I forget. Jameswent outside onto the street for something. Possibly to bring the bins in, and there was a truck parked in front of our house. I could see James out the window, and he looked into the truck, suspicious of its reason for being parked there. I could see legs on top of the truck, but the owner of the legs was hidden from my view by a tree. It was presumably the truck driver. James came inside, I think maybe the truck driver had already said something to him, and then the truck driver came bursting into our house, going off at James for staring into his truck, accusing him of trying to steal it or something. I tried to mediate, and tried to convince the truckie, to some extent, that it was all a misunderstanding, and I told him about the suspicious vehicles. He seemed less than half convinced (our house seemed different, we had a different entrance way and vestebule - predominantly yellow in colour). He said that the cops were already on their way, and then he left. I told James not to worry, cause he'd done nothing wrong.

We saw the red and blue flashes as three huge white police trucks pulled into the street (much bigger than any police vehicles - these were like anti-terrorist squad vehicles or something), and I started to get afraid about the reaction, because it seemed much bigger than called for, but I wanted to show that we had nothing to hide, so I grabbed James and we walked or ran outside to meet the trucks. Seeing how they sped into the street and came to a halt with their headlights on me was really surreal, and this may have been the point where I was questioning reality, and decided it wasn't a dream. All the flashbacks may actually fit in here. The door of one of the police trucks was open and I went right up and there was a very sympathetic looking young woman with dark hair inside. I explained to her as quickly as I could that my brother had done nothing wrong, and she believed me, somehow knowing that the callout was a huge overreaction. But James was no longer by my side, and I saw him at the gate. He seemed to be panicking, unable to decide whether he was going inside or outside. His movements got stiff and strange, like those of a, for want of a better word, retarded person, and he pulled the eye drops out of his pocket, applied them to his eyes and took a big swig of the drops as the policewoman and I were running over to him. His movements escalated, and it seemed like he was having a fit, and I realised that all this time, the deal with the eye drops was that he was addicted to them, like they were a drug or something. I felt like I had failed him, as he had a fit and seemed to be dying in front of me. I remember screaming out and hurling the bottle of eye drops at the fence, and I just kept screaming out...

And then I got woken by thunder and I my eyes were a bit teary, and I started to wonder if I had actually screamed out. But I hadn't. It seems kind of funny now that it was eye drops, but in the dream they were like one of those pharmaceutical products which can be used as a drug and is addictive. Various parts of the dream are obviously related to things that have been going on in my life lately... theft in the workplace, fear of the cops turning up to a domestic, having crushes on people, being frustrated by homophobia... but the whole thing involving my brother was totally out of the blue and I'm wondering if there's some kind of concern underneath it all. Anyway, that's it for me on Christmas Day... air conditioning has been great. Family has been really frustrating from time to time, but it's just cause they're trying to interract with each other, bless their hearts...

I've gotta go and eat more crap and make myself feel sick now... what I do for tradition...

Singardu!
Ben

ps. I seem to have lost the ability to tell the system what the real time is when I post, so this one is actually at 8:11 pm on Christmas Day 2005. It could be worse, I seem not to have the ability to choose titles for my posts in my Traumblog...

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Surrounded by sadness...

Ok, I haven't written here for ages, and from the title it would seem that my life has slipped backwards, but that's a misleading title. It's not my sadness, it's other people's sadness. A friend of mine has just lost his love of four years and he's gutted. He doesn't know what to do with his life, and he can't bear his life at the moment. And another friend is in a place that was my home for too many years... I can tell he really hates himself right now. He feels alone and he's been crying himself to sleep many nights in a row.

I had an odd thought about this: I would rather it was me going through this pain.

That is at the same time both selfless, and selfish. For years I lived in pain, and actually to describe the way I was living as "living" is kind of a gross misrepresentation, but in a way I kind of think that I can handle that more than others. It's kinda my home-turf in a way. I know it's complete 'rubbash', but I guess I'd rather it was me because then I could be sure everything's going to be ok. I trust myself not to do anything drastic, but I can't be sure of my friends. Then again, as my story goes, if I were someone else, I wouldn't trust me not to do anything crazy. I just don't know, but it seems somehow significant to be surrounded by so much and such deep sadness at the time when my life is actually picking up and approaching that of a normal human being. Significant in what way, I don't know (er... the general way, I guess). In a way I feel powerless as well, because nothing I can say is going to bring my friend's girlfriend back, and in that four years all of his plans for the future came to involve her. He's breaking inside and it's hard to watch. I gave him a big hug last night and I think it did more than anything I said... which wasn't much. For the self-hating friend, I have a little more to say because I've been there... but I also know how little it actually gets through because you expect that people are only saying nice encouraging things to make you happy, not because they believe them. For a couple of people I know, this is going to be the saddest Christmas ever.

To move the attention back to me (where it's all at! Yeah! YEAH! - Oh, I embarrass me), work's been ok. I'm more confident every day, and I just realised: I'm a human and I can do this. It's good to know. It's also the first time in my life I've actually been attracted to (or in the vulgar language: had a crush on) two people at the same time. One is someone at work: straight but a damn nice guy, a a bit of alright as well, but I can't expect anything from that obviously - **bashes thought to death with a broom handle**. The other is actually gay (also a first, pretty much), and I may be seeing him on New Year's at a party. Just while writing this I realised why I'm suddenly interested in other people - for the first time I can see how my life is actually able to move forward. I guess no one will understand how much Getting a Job was a huge hurdle for me. Enormous. And now I have one (at the moment not with the hours I'd like, but what are ya gonna do?). Anyway, I guess, for the first time in my life I'm able to look at something else other than the mess that has been my life. My subconscious must have decided, that, for the first time in my life, I'm finally able to have a relationship... or at least think about one, because in the past I'm sure I've never been ready. Maybe my subconscious sabotaged it all last year when I was going out with the guy who I turned down because my heard wasn't in it... shame, cause he was hot.

Anyway, I don't know what's going to happen on New Year's... I think I'll give it a crack, cause I can't stop thinking about this guy (Mr New Years) since the last time I saw him. I've only met him twice, spoken in total with him probably only for about five minutes, and the first time I met him I was drunk and calling him the name of a dog from some obscure 5 minute sci-fi claymation show for children (thinking it was funny, and that people would have any idea what I was on about, rather than just doubling this poor guy's name and saying it as one word). Oh, and I just realised this guy must think I'm straight cause the first time I met him, at a party at his house, I ended up making out with a chick I met there... shit, I don't even know if he's single - I'm basing the assumption that he is on the fact that his boyfriend whom I met at the first party, wasn't at the second one... maybe I'm setting myself up for a big fall, and New Years could be a horrible experience (being rejected, or just realising I don't have the guts), but if it is I'll just pick myself up and carry on. I trust myself to be able to do that.

Without getting into a big rant, I've also been very bothered by what I've learnt about Poland. So much so that I've pretty much given up hope of starting teaching there. I can't even be bothered providing a link, but what's bothering me is the newly elected fascist government. I don't shout out that I'm gay from the rooftops, and I know I could fool people, but the fact is that I don't want to live in a country where the commonly held belief is that gay people molest children. This is particularly relevant to me since I had in fact planned to teach, and gay teachers in Poland regularly lose their jobs as there is no kind of antidiscrimination law in place. In fact the Prime Minister, Lech Kaczyński, is probably going to make it illegal for gay people to teach children. I feel like it's a bit of a cop-out to decide not to go to Poland because of this, but I really don't want the first time I live in another country to be an experience of hiding myself (especially now that I've finally got to the point where I can say for sure that I don't feel ashamed), and fearing losing my job if one of my confidantes wants to use something over me, and the statistics say that that WILL happen to me in Poland, unless I keep it a complete secret - which I think would eat away at my soul. I'm fuming over this. I'm avoiding a country because of this. This is shaping the course of my life and they don't have a right to. But what can I do? Well I guess I'll just save more and go to Germany straight up... it's harder to get a job there, and more expensive to live, but at least the country is not backward... in fact it would be great to live in a society even more accepting of difference than Australia... and I know the language, which would be a help to no end. I've pretty much given up on learning Polish -it's very difficult anyway, which would mean it'd take me ages to get to fluency, or the stage where I could be able to explain myselt - Polski jest bardzo trudny język!

Which brings me onto another topic which is going to expose my strange nerdiness for languages. I'm kind of interested in Esperanto. If you don't know about Esperanto, it's a language which was written by a Polish occulist by the name of Ludwig Zamenhof over 100 years ago, in the hope of becoming an international language with no bias towards one culture or nationality or another. Zamenhof was inspired by growing up as a Jew in an eastern Polish town called Białystok, where the Jews, Germans, Poles, Russians and Lithuanian speaking groups all hated each other. Zamenhof started refering to himself as Doktoro Esperanto ('esperanto' meaning 'one who hopes') and his Lingwo Uniwersala started to become known as Esperanto. Esperanto didn't really catch on as much as was expected, but today it has an estimated 2 million speakers, and there are even native speakers. From what I've seen it really seems to have taken off in China, Japan, Eastern Europe and Brazil, as well as Canada. Its grammar is very easy and regular, and it's supposedly much easier than natural languages to learn. I can vouch (if that's how you spell that word) for this because I read one story, and got halfway through another (Tarzan) in Esperanto, and can understand a lot now. It's a shame I stopped ready Tarzan really... Anyway, what I like about Esperanto is that it's a constructed language. The small number of native speakers means just about everyone who speaks it decided to learn it. They are either a language nerd like me or are just interested about the world and its inhabitants (also like me). It's kind of a language for dreamers. Another thing which is really cool, which I just found out yesterday, is that there's a registry of Esperanto speakers around the world who open their houses to other Esperanto speakers and put them up as guests while on their travels... this sounds really interesting to me... I'd love to mix with other Esperanto speakers; it seems like a really intelectual world to me, and I wouldn't mind immersing myself in it. There are conventions, and there's even a university in Slovakia where everything is taught in Esperanto. A German friend of mine says that there's a lecturer who teaches in it at his university. Maybe I can explore all of this more when I'm in Europe. My Diary of a Polish Learner is probably going to get abandoned, but I may start a new blog of random ramblings in Esperanto... I may even just type nonsense in there, or make up stupid stories. Or even erotic stories... you'll have to learn Esperanto with me to find out...

I have to work this afternoon from 5:00, and as it's the biggest day of business in the year for establishments such as mine, we have three people rostered on, and we even have hired security with us... and I only got about four hours sleep last night. This is going to be fun...

Oh by the way, I don't know what happened to the thing where I could tell the system what the time actually is as I post this thing... it's always way off. So I'll just tell you now that it's 10:12 Am on Christmas Eve 2005 -

I'm editing now, and wow, it's actually more than two days off... and I can't change it... it's now 10:41

My thoughts are with my friends in difficulty, as well as the friends who really helped me through my difficulties.

Feliĉegan Kristnaskon!

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Finally moving forward...

I haven't written here for a while now... I've intended to, but I've only just come to it now. Anyway, my main piece of news is that I've done the impossible (for me): I've got a job. It's at a local bottle-o... three kilometres by bike from my place. Dan got a job there about a month before I did, and he was the one who helped me enormously in helping with my résumé, and teaching me stuff I would need to know about the basic retail process, as I lied on my résumé and said I had worked at a servo from October to February this year. Don't look at me like that... I felt bad about it, but it came down to the fact that I'm nearly 22 and I have no proper work experience. I needed to give myself a leg-up. I know it made the difference, because even though the bottle-o's very short staffed at the moment, I saw them turn someone down because his résumé didn't have any experience on it.

Anyway, my first shift was last thursday (the 3rd of November), from 4 till 9 I think. Dan was training me, so he drove me there, and we started together. I made a few stupid mistakes - very 'me' of me - like with my first two customers, whereby I started walking towards their respective cars with change in hand, but leaving their purchase on the counter (neither of them noticed). I was gradually getting better, more confidant, starting to get the hang of it - still no maestro - but then, what am I talking about? A maestro would be wasted at a bottle-o. Anyway, so then I was taken from the drive thru and put into stacking out the back... going in and out of the cold room was fun (I'm not being sarcastic - I'm weird, leave me alone). All this lifting combined with riding my bike will make me fitter. In one of my finer moments I bumped a stack of cartons, which were on smashed tiles, and had dented cardboard... I tried to stop their fall with my head, which was, funnily enough, unsuccessful. When I looked up, this guy was laughing at me, and he helped me restack the cartons, which didn't seem to be broken. "Don't worry, mate. It happens to the best of us. And look, that was just waiting to happen," he said as he pointed at the smashed tiles underneath. And that's the story of how I met the manager of the whole joint (bottle-o-pub-bistro complex). Great first impression! *Nervous smile* Knocked off at 9 and had a beer with the guy that had me stacking stuff, who I'll call Bruce, cause it's funny. He seemed like a really nice guy. Then I went in at 10 and watched Dan do the close, so I could get an idea of that.

The next day, Friday, I got a phone call from work... someone was sick, and they wanted me to fill in for the afternoon double shift. It was originally to be with this guy, who to be honest I hadn't heard the best things about (arrogant wanker, dodgy goings on with money etc.) - I'm going to call him Dinosaur, not because he's particularly old, just because it amuses me. Dan ended up prolonging his shift, so I ended up working with him. He had to go for a while once I got there, to renew his driver's licence and cash a cheque, so I was left on my own for nearly an hour. I had one little problem with an eftpos transaction that went awry when the guy couldn't remember his pin number... I, being the intelligent chap I am, didn't know how to cancel the eftpos thing... pressing the 'cancel' button didn't occur to me. And then comes the Strongbow incident... whereby I dropped a man's alcohol after he had purchased it, while trying to be kind and carry stuff to his car for him... it wasn't clumsiness, it was stupidity - I held the 6pack by the neck of one corner bottle, and just over the edge of the counter the cardboard broke. I tried to somehow catch the 6pack with my leg, which resulted in a small cut on my leg, which I only noticed later, and may have stopped the damage from being as bad as it could have been: one bottle smashed, and the lid of one was letting fizz out. The rest were ok. Then Dan laughed at me because I'd actually never used a mop in my life. He laughed at my broom skills too. The sick guy ended up coming in, and I got to knock off at 5, after only starting at 3...

I'm so glad I have this job, I'm just stressing at the moment cause I'm the newbie. I've already broken stuff, and I'm not feeling terribly confident. But, I tell myself, that's not something which is peculiar to me, which no one would understand. That's something that everyone goes through with a new job. And I'll get better, and in a few months time, I'll be doing everything as second nature (I tell myself). It's a scary period for me at the moment, learning to adjust to this, but it's also the beginning of normalcy for me. Not working has been a huge problem for me... I feel so young and naïve, like a bird just starting to fly. I'm using stupid analogies, but yeah... I checked my bank account, and I've had my first pay... for 7 hours work, I got payed $106.40, which is good. I'm finally a working man. I went up to watch Dan do the close tonight, and it looked a lot more daunting than when I watched it before... sheesh. Anyway, I'm working on Friday and Saturday this week... I'm working with Dinosaur on Friday, and on Saturday with Dan, but I'll have an hour on my own on Saturday. Apparently I'll be getting a lot more shifts next week (weeks start on Mondays).

To further update the rest of the goings on... with Lucas's parents away, we had little parties just about every week. They were always bizarre. If I've mentioned "clothing displacement" before, well... it got extreme on one occasion... we were starting to get out of control. The next gathering had a lot more people, including 2 people from the past... from primary school - one of whom I hadn't seen for 11 years (half a lifetime at our age).

My friend from the reality TV show, Rådjur, finally left the show, but he came fourth, which is good. Only 27 votes were the deciding votes... and considering I voted 40 times, I feel like I did my part. Anyway, it's not bad news, because he's gonna go on to do great things... he was virtually promised a record deal, so - watch this space.

Anyway, it's now midnight, and my father is coughing, which means I may be seconds away from being repremanded for waking him up... peace!
Ben

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Wąży i Drabiny (Snakes and Ladders)

Last Wednesday (the 6th) I met up with the Polish flatmate (M) of someone I know (F). We spoke a bit in Polish, which, I may or may not have mentioned, is an insanely difficult language. As a plus I found out my accent is quite good. We went and sat on the grass at southbank, as F went for a swim. I pointed to things... grass, tree, plant, flower, building, sky, river, sun, moon, worm, ladybug, bird. We started talking in English, just chatting about things and it came up, so I told M that I'm gay, and he kind of just looked at me as if to say "Why are you telling me this?" He said he had no problem with it, but I think he was actually questioning my intentions, which made me feel a bit strange. Still, if I count that as the worst reaction (don't know if I do yet because I may have imagined the whole thing) I've ever got, then it's actually been really good and I guess I'm a lot luckier than some. Anyway, so now it's just weird cause I've told M but not F, and I know F a lot better, so if they've spoken about it they'll be wondering why I told M, and not F... possibly more questioning of motives. I know I'm thinking too much about it, but that's just my way. My brain has no off switch (it just crashes from time to time).

On Friday I had intended to go to a German speaking Stammtisch I sometimes go to... but I was too slack with organising with friends, so instead I went to Lucas's house for a little get together he was having . When I arrived everyone was wearing silly hats and glasses, so I joined in. We got a huge pile of fish and chips, and played Snakes and Ladders, but a drinking-game version, with shot glasses as pieces... I didn't think any drinking was going to be done that night, but right from the start of the game it was apparent that the universe had decided that I was going to get very drunk that night. The Galliano was ok, the Vodka less so, and the Tequila, which about a year or two ago had been left at someones house after a party, obviously been half drunk and topped up with goon, was rancid. We had been sitting around the pool area, but we went inside to dance badly... There may or may not have been a bit of pole dancing with pants around the ankles... oh God, I won't incriminate myself any more. Dan fell asleep on the floor and we put a pillow under his head, and then the rest of us continued to dance around the drunken body on the floor. Later on it got weird, as Lucas's gatherings tend to... I massaged this girl, who has the same name as Brücke... so we'll call her Brückchen, and she massaged me back ... which was really good after my spinal apocalypse of last week... it had been ages since anyone had even touched me... Lucas turned the lights off and lit candles (in the other order actually), and then I wanted to have a seance. Not that I really believe in ghosts or the spirit world that much, but I don't rule anything out... when I'm drunk and bored it seems like something fun to do... I just wanted to hold hands and chant or something and hopefully a gust would come in the window and blow some candles out and we'd squeal, but the others were all really not keen for that because they said it opens up a whole lot of bad shit... and I was saying something about it being ok so long as we have respect for the spirits. Fuck, I'm hilarious. But we didn't end up doing it. I walked home at about 4 am... it wasn't getting light but the magpies were starting to sing. That reminds me... when I was younger, I used to be such a nerd... I was into birds, and in bird books there are always descriptions of various bird calls... the funniest one was how they described how an Australian Magpie sings: "Quardle-Oodle-Ardle-Wardle-Doodle". Oh my god!

Last night I went to Redcliffe with L&S and we ate fish and chips and caught up... it was really good. I eat fish and chips about 2 or 3 times a week and I'm pretty sure about half of my body weight must be comprised solely of potato. Please don't ask me why I'm disguising some people's name's and not others... it's just happened that way. When I got home I turned on the TV and watched Rådjur on the reality TV show he's on. Which reminds me, I need to vote today. I also have a lot of other stuff to do, so I should get cracking and leave my blog alone. Farewell until soon, my faithful and pretty much non-existant blog readership...
Take care!