Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Existential Angst

Ok, the title's just a standard phrase and to be honest I'm not quite sure what it means. Fear of existing? Anyway, just quietly I'm shitting myself right now. Last night I visited a place I haven't been to for years. A place that used to be home. Last night I cried myself to sleep with worry for my future. It seems so self-indulgent to be able to write about it here, but I hope it does me some good. At the core of the problem I still feel like a scared and lost little boy. Can you imagine me jetting off to the other side of the world to teach English? Honestly, I can imagine it, although I have a very good imagination... Just at the moment I'm feeling thoroughly incapable of just about everything. I won my respect two years ago when I got help for depression, and fought through it even when my family made it harder. I can't ever go back there. I don't think I could ever hate myself the way I did, but last night my brain was going over and over my failings. I couldn't sleep. I was thinking about what Seva said, and just jetting off to Poland before the end of this year, but it's a sink or swim situation, and at the moment I'm too fragile. I know shit all about how the world works, and I've never really dealt with the whole process of dealing with money I've earned, dealing with banks, travel insurance, finding accomodation (let alone in a country where my current knowledge of the language would allow me to say "I am not an elephant", but sadly not "Can you please tell me where the real estate is", "How much is the bond", or "Are you trying to fuck me over?"), passports. I know no one's going to be able to fully understand and everyone reading this will just be thinking "Ben, you are capable of anything we are," but it doesn't feel like that. To be honest, last night I thought about some pretty messed up shit... self harm, but before anyone gets too worried, I wasn't fantasising about it, I was just getting worried that I may want to do that again sometime. This time I'm actually looking out for myself, so things will never be as bad as they were before (I tell myself)... I'm just so scared I could slide back into depression, and that's a place I can never go to again. I'd die. Ok, now for the part where I convince myself it's all going to be ok: I'm going to have to fight for it... hopefully I'm scared enough to get my arse into gear and do something to keep myself moving forward. I don't know what the first step is, but I guess it could be anything. Last night I was defining myself by what I'm incapable of, which is really unhealthy, and I had to stop my brain from doing that, but like seriously, I'm 21, I can't drive, I can't swim, I'm still living at home, I've never had a relationship, or a proper job, it's a miracle I can tie my shoe-laces really, although I only learnt that at a really late age (grade 4), and I only learnt to ride a bike in grade 7. Ok, this is really counterproductive, so I'm stopping it. I also realised that, although quite recently I've been very comfortable with being single and alone, when I'm feeling depressed and insecure I just want someone to hug me. Last night I felt so alone, just lying there in my own bed... but then I'm not really relationship material when I'm busy turning myself inside out. Anyway, my first step is to actually do something productive... sadness and anxiety registered in blog, I now need to get on with my day.

Today's my last day of prac English teaching at this place (I need to line up some more somewhere else)... we may or may not be having a barbeque. I'm going bowling tonight too... possibly going over to someone's house tomorrow, whose boyfriend, I have been told, now hates me because he found out I'm gay, although I don't know whether or not that was just a throw-away comment on the part of the person who told me. Part of me wants conflict tomorrow, because I've never really had a bad reaction to that, and I've noticed the only time I do anything to help myself, is when I'm fighting to defend myself from someone or something else. Ok, I said I'd end this, do something productive, and I'm blathering now... end of transmission.

Wish me luck,
Ben

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