Monday, December 26, 2005

Boxing day.

So, yesterday was Boxing Day, and to celebrate it we had our annual Boxing Day Friendship Drinks, lol. This was the first year that I came. We started off at the pub where I work. We started at noon. We got quite drunk. It was Dan and Lucas and Fi and I to start with. We had a drink called a Brain Teaser, which Rachel invented... it had sweet sherry and baileys or something in it... it looked like brains, it was kinda cool... and when I had finished it, it looked like there'd been placenta in the shot glass. Lol.

We were still there at 7:30, having promised to meet friends at a classier pub closer to home, and we were late. We went into the public bar to use the taxi phone and I got talking to one of the regular customers who often comes out the front and buys alcohol from me. She didn't know my name, and I pretended I didn't know her name for conversation's sake. She didn't know my name, but she knew my nickname. It's quite funny, because I'd been mishearing my nickname for a few days. I thought they were just calling me Benji at work... especially this one guy. But he always said it with a funny accent or something. Well, I found out that it's Burnsy. Ok, I thought... cool... a reference to the sideburns. That's not a bad nickname. Someone called me Chopsy McGee once, which made me crack up. Ok, well, this girl, the regular, Emma, told me that's not why I'm called Burnsy.

It's a reference to Mr Burns from the Simpsons...

Apparently I was seen struggling with a carton once. I don't know when. Now, I'm not a complete weakling, but I think I'm the weakest out of everyone that I work with in retail. I don't normally struggle with cartons, but a few times I've really thrown myself into it, and my arms have kind of gone "No more"... or I was holding it awkwardly or something. Ok, I'm not even gonna bother making excuses... that's not why I'm writing here. My point is that until now I haven't felt like an outsider at work. I get called this name to my face, and they assume I don't know the real reason behind it. It's just like in high school, being talked about behind my back and having no idea, and when I found out back then I just wanted to kill myself.

I've been feeling surprisingly well adjusted lately, and nothing has really thrown me around that much. My emotions are becoming more and more under my control. And I've finally recognised one more thing about myself... a small revelation. I've always thought I was kind of girly. Really obviously gay et cetera. I now know I'm not; enough people have been really obviously surprised when I told them, a few even just outright refused to believe me, and thought I was joking. This is gonna sound really poxy when I use the word "society" but I will forge ahead: Society has always told me that I'm a girly man... gay men are not real men et cetera. The phrase "red blooded heterosexuality"... what the hell do they think my blood is? Pink? Even many psychologists believe that homosexual men simply have female brains. Many psychologists are fucking wrong. Well, ok, I don't know about every gay man, but really, I'm just realising now that I am a guy. My sexuality doesn't pervade every aspect of my being, it's just one tiny thing - granted, it's caused a lot of the rest of me to readjust, but I'm just a guy. I did a kind of psychological brain-gender test online: sounds dodgy, but it was actually a scientific one, with tests of spatial imaging skills, spotting which objects had moved, picking the emotion in pairs of eyes. Despite my good score on the eye-emotion thing, I got a perfect score for the spatial imaging things (recognising angles, moving 3D tetrus block shaped objects around in my head), and I got a shockingly low score for the task where I had to look at a picture for a minute, and then click on the objects which had been moved. I ended up with the average male score. I'm just a guy. Anyway, so I've been having some issues with my masculinity, and now this fucking nickname...

And actually, it's not bothering me in itself... I'm kind of worried what my reaction's going to be next time I get called that... and it will happen. I don't want to cause any friction at work, but then I don't want to be called that by those two smug arseholes assuming I have no idea. It'll be like grade 12 all over again. Last night when I was drunk there were a couple of times when I had to stop myself from crying. And I was wondering if everyone at work is in on the joke. I was wondering if la beliĉo (already embarrassed by the name I gave him) is in on it. "No," I thought, "he's too much of a nice guy. He might laugh a little, but then stick up for me"... then again, maybe he wouldn't, and again I'm dwelling on thoughts of someone I can't have.

So the night kind of entered a down note. Dan's only coping when he's drunk at the moment. His "friend" Brad, who we'd told about the split, was bugging Dan going "How are you and ?" and persisting with it even when Dan explained that he didn't wanna talk about it. Brad can be a fucking wanker sometimes. I was staring into my glass feeling sorry for myself. But then it ended up being Dan who cheered me up by just general silliness. On the walk home from the pub, we went past a house with a kind of party going on, and Brad went over to introduce himself... Dan and I were trying to stop him, because that kind of thing can end up being a very fucked situation... repeat what I said before about Brad. But it actually ended up being, by total coincidence, some guy who Dan and Brad went to school with, and we hung around there for a while. I was trying to work out if this off-her-face 28 year old mother of 2 children was hitting on me... but I worked out after a while that she wasn't, phew! She was leaning on me a lot but literally only for support so she didn't go crashing to the ground.

We went home, and when I went to bed I cried really intensely for about 20 seconds...(still silently of course) - it's the first time I've cried in ages. I just needed to release a lot of stuff, and most of it wasn't my stuff... more to do with the stuff from two postings ago. I'm feeling ok now, but I'm having a craving for some kind of spaghetti or lasagne or something... I haven't had breakfast yet. I think I'm still a little bit drunk... my head's spinning occasionally. At least I'm in air-conditioning... aside from the stuff I said about la beliĉo, I'm really looking forward to New Year's, and my encounter with Mr. New Year's... but as usual, my brain's been beating me up, telling me I'm pathetic, that I don't have a hope in hell, and that no one likes me... trash-talking piece of shit that it is... it leaves my side and kicks me when I'm down, and it's a faithful friend when all is well... I just need a hug (preferably from Mr. New Year's)... my body is fucking aching for some fucking tender contact... I don't want sex just yet... just tenderness... why the fuck am I so complicated? I'm having a temporary lack of clarity...

Anyway, so this posting sucks. I can't put a more positive spin on things because I'm too hungover. Seems really self centred too... If you wanna hear more navel-gazing drivel, watch this space.

*sigh*
Ben

ps. 11:43 AM 27th November 2005

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