Sunday, December 25, 2005

La Sonĝo (The Dream)

It's Christmas day and I woke up early this morning to get a lift to the airport with Lucas to welcome Fi back from Canada. To hell with disguising names; I'm not using last names. She was there for a year (actually, a year minus one day). It was great to see her again.

Dan and I worked last night, Christmas Eve, which is the busiest day of the year for alcohol retail. We had a security guard and everything went smoothly. The security guard had an odd laugh, that went hehyehyehyehyehyehye, but he was a pretty nice, friendly guy. What didn't go smoothly was the float tin, which was Dinosaur's fault, of course - he hadn't signed off on it the night before, or that morning... I can't believe he's being promoted to duty manager... they were really desperate. I'm just worried cause now I'm not just working next to him, but under him... Dan gave me a lift home and left him knowing that today would be really tough for him... the first christmas he's had without his girlfriend or his grandma.

Also last night, the crush I have on the guy at work (not gonna mention his name... I'll call him la beliĉo) seemed to intensify against my wishes. He's definitely straight, I saw him checking out female customers yesterday. He's also let his face get all stubbly, which looks hot. Haha. Anyway, I was working with Dan out the front, and la beliĉo was working inside, and I was constantly finding excuses to go inside (whenever we needed stock, I offered to do get it - it's the only time I get to see la beliĉo pretty much), and I was trying to talk to him, but every time I went inside he'd get tied up with a customer. We don't really know each other, but we've known each other long enough that the original kind of getting-to-know-you questions seem a bit weird at work now, which means that speaking needs to be about something, and not knowing him that well, I have nothing to really speak to him about except work. Oh, and whenever I go inside, the conversation always turns to facial hair, because of my own distinctive facial hair. Anyway, so a lot of our interaction consists of funny looks, funny walks, and just rude things said in a joking manner... and he always pretends he's going to throw something really expensive at me. Just last night I went off at him, jokingly, he was going to throw me an empty carboard box, and I just went "Stop it, I don't want your shit" and then realised customers were staring at me. I'm not going to see la beliĉon until the new year, and last night there was a kind of contageous hand-shaking, merry-christmas-wishing thing going around, and I nearly dropped a customer's purchase when la beliĉo went to shake my hand... it's quite pathetic really. Anyway, I should stop dwelling on that one... I thought I killed those thoughts with a broom handle... I should be dwelling on the one who in a weeks time something may have happened with. Well, not dwelling, but I'm sensing my brain going for the What-I-definitely-can't-have, rather than the What-I-probably-can't-have. Ah, life is funny...

Anyway, so I only got about 3-4 hours sleep last night, and about 4 the night before, so I fucked around on the computer for a little while (in the airconditioning *ahhhhh*), learnt more esperanto (mi estos senamika komputilulo, se mi ne singardos), and then was finding it impossible to keep my eyes open. A storm was coming too, so I turned off the computer and unplugged it, left the airconditioning and retired to my bed in front of the fan, falling asleep as the thunder started to get loud. I had the most intense dream I've had in ages... I woke up at the climax of it, and we were having another storm, but this one had heaps of really loud thunder in it. I didn't want to turn the computer on, so I dashed out of bed still half asleep and started scrawling madly in three languages to get my dream down before I forgot some of the detail... I'm going to try to decipher it now, and put it in a logical order which is not going to be easy. I do have a blog especially for dreams, which I write in German, but I want to share this one here. I actually don't think I dream linearly... I think there must have been times when there was more than one thread going on at once... as usual, dreams are often highly erratic, so I've divided it up into chapters.

La sonĝo
Chapter 1 - Three thick theives

There were three guys, none of them was me, and they were at their place of work, or the place of work of one of them. It was kind of a dark, almost dank place, like a brewery or something, and they were stealing something from the place, but when they closed (or was it 'opened'?) a door, they accidentally set off and alarm and ran before the police came. One of them disappeared somewhere, I can't remember if he deserted the others or what. The two others stumbled into a room with a rather odd (to put it mildly) contraption. It was like two planes of bristles... one suspended from the roof, and one standing up from the floor. It reminded me a little bit of a car wash, and it filled up most of the room. The top and bottom halves moved backwards and forwards in opposite directions, kind of like some big device for scrubbing something. The two guys climbed in between the planes of bristles, to hide from the police. They risked having their skin scrubbed off in an effort to hide.

Chapter 2 - Fight club
There was a similarly dank environment, but I think this one was a club - possibly the last chapter should actually follow on from this one, and maybe it was even the same place, and with the same characters, but I can't remember the order - the club was a lot like ric's. I just remember that there was someone who was either there, or was supposed to be there, who I had a mad crush on. People were doing something like street fighting, and I think the cops got called - or maybe that was interference from the thread in the last paragraph, and they were simultaneous.

Chapter 3 - L'arsehole.
In the dream, this next part was presented like a flashback, although I don't know where it fits in that I was having the flashback, but this was supposed to be on the weekend before what happens in the next chapter. Dan and Lucas and I were at someone's house, kind of an informal gathering, a bit too quiet to be called a party. We were watching TV and something came on, possibly about gay marriage, or a gay celebrity, and one of the guys at the party was really disgusted. Just how disgusted he was is hard to convey, but he was disgusted more than the average homophobe would have been. Everyone else was going off at him, shooting him down for his attitude, and somehow it accidentally got implied that I'm gay, but the guy was too stupid to get what was accidentally implied... I felt really angry.

Chapter 3 - A Different Past.
Once again, I don't know when all this information fits into the dream, but it was actually just in the form of memories in the dream. When I went to uni, I didn't just take one psychology subject, but I did it for a couple of years (either one subject per semester, or my whole course was psychology). In my psychology class I had a friend, a guy, shorter than me, dark hair. He was a really good friend, but I had a huge crush on him, and I think one day he stopped turning up to classes and I never heard from him again. I had totally forgotten about him, and had even forgotten exactly what his face looked like, and his name. This is actually not relevant to the rest of the dream, it's just kind of background information that was in my 'memory'. The thought crossed my mind at one stage that all this might be a dream, but it seemed a little too real. It was just like reality except my memory wasn't as clear... I felt like I was perpetually drunk. Also in the past, before the dream, there had been a few times when we'd been worried about people parking out the front of our house, bad people, like stalkers or something. I remember one day staring in the window of a vehicle and not knowing if someone was staring back at me. There was a lot of random detail. James, my younger brother, was always taking eye drops. We had to throw out the curtains because they were suddenly a fire danger... I don't remember all of them anymore.

Chapter 5 - The Bit Where It Gets Fucked
It was a rainy, or cloudily lit day for a reason I forget. Jameswent outside onto the street for something. Possibly to bring the bins in, and there was a truck parked in front of our house. I could see James out the window, and he looked into the truck, suspicious of its reason for being parked there. I could see legs on top of the truck, but the owner of the legs was hidden from my view by a tree. It was presumably the truck driver. James came inside, I think maybe the truck driver had already said something to him, and then the truck driver came bursting into our house, going off at James for staring into his truck, accusing him of trying to steal it or something. I tried to mediate, and tried to convince the truckie, to some extent, that it was all a misunderstanding, and I told him about the suspicious vehicles. He seemed less than half convinced (our house seemed different, we had a different entrance way and vestebule - predominantly yellow in colour). He said that the cops were already on their way, and then he left. I told James not to worry, cause he'd done nothing wrong.

We saw the red and blue flashes as three huge white police trucks pulled into the street (much bigger than any police vehicles - these were like anti-terrorist squad vehicles or something), and I started to get afraid about the reaction, because it seemed much bigger than called for, but I wanted to show that we had nothing to hide, so I grabbed James and we walked or ran outside to meet the trucks. Seeing how they sped into the street and came to a halt with their headlights on me was really surreal, and this may have been the point where I was questioning reality, and decided it wasn't a dream. All the flashbacks may actually fit in here. The door of one of the police trucks was open and I went right up and there was a very sympathetic looking young woman with dark hair inside. I explained to her as quickly as I could that my brother had done nothing wrong, and she believed me, somehow knowing that the callout was a huge overreaction. But James was no longer by my side, and I saw him at the gate. He seemed to be panicking, unable to decide whether he was going inside or outside. His movements got stiff and strange, like those of a, for want of a better word, retarded person, and he pulled the eye drops out of his pocket, applied them to his eyes and took a big swig of the drops as the policewoman and I were running over to him. His movements escalated, and it seemed like he was having a fit, and I realised that all this time, the deal with the eye drops was that he was addicted to them, like they were a drug or something. I felt like I had failed him, as he had a fit and seemed to be dying in front of me. I remember screaming out and hurling the bottle of eye drops at the fence, and I just kept screaming out...

And then I got woken by thunder and I my eyes were a bit teary, and I started to wonder if I had actually screamed out. But I hadn't. It seems kind of funny now that it was eye drops, but in the dream they were like one of those pharmaceutical products which can be used as a drug and is addictive. Various parts of the dream are obviously related to things that have been going on in my life lately... theft in the workplace, fear of the cops turning up to a domestic, having crushes on people, being frustrated by homophobia... but the whole thing involving my brother was totally out of the blue and I'm wondering if there's some kind of concern underneath it all. Anyway, that's it for me on Christmas Day... air conditioning has been great. Family has been really frustrating from time to time, but it's just cause they're trying to interract with each other, bless their hearts...

I've gotta go and eat more crap and make myself feel sick now... what I do for tradition...

Singardu!
Ben

ps. I seem to have lost the ability to tell the system what the real time is when I post, so this one is actually at 8:11 pm on Christmas Day 2005. It could be worse, I seem not to have the ability to choose titles for my posts in my Traumblog...

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