Saturday, December 31, 2005

A new year, a new ...

Well, I'll begin this post with the events of ...

Wednesday the 28th of December:
Dan and I went to Indooroopilly shopping center... not really with anything in mind. I bought phone credit, and we went and had lunch. I had some kind of chicken and avocado roll thing from a place called Food 2 Go or something like that - some chips and a prawn fritter too. They didn't have enough chips so I got some potato gems in there as well. The roll thing looked quite appealing with a nice soft pastry covering, but the chicken inside was suspiciously dark and hard... which I decided was a bad thing after eating nearly half of it. The chips and gems were average, and the fritter tasted like it was made with off prawns. So there went a $10 lunch down the drain (or actually in the bin), and I decided I wanted to make sure I didn't get food poisoning, so I shouted Dan and myself a shot of tequila at the Pig n' Whistle, which was the beginning of a casual Wednesday arvo drinking session. We took the train back to the city, and went to Gilhooleys and got lots of free alcohol... partly because we know the people who work there and they are generous to a fault, and partly because we won two jugs of beer in a trivia competion. Dan got to choose what songs came on, and we danced to Doop (by Doop) and Here's Johnny (by Hocus Pocus) among other less trashy songs. I seriously nearly danced myself to death. And we met a guy called Dennis, who was a window-pane-putter-inner or something like that. He was saying how he works for the company that supplied the materials for the reality TV show The Hothouse. There was some dickhead watching the soccer on the big screen who kept swearing at us when we walked in front of the screen. We danced like maniacs, and I didn't want to finish my beer. We went home then.


Thursday the 29th of December, 2005:
I was in the city with a friend who I know from the internet. It was a stinking hot day and we were at Southbank and we walked across the Goodwill Bridge and through the gardens and back up into the city. Outside borders I spoke to a Hare Krishna woman and recieved a book from her, and payed $5 donation. I've been reading bits of it and it's actually quite interesting. I told the woman (I think her name was Tara, or Tayra or something) that my belief system is totally sorted out in my head... I'm open to new ideas though, so the book is interesting to me. After me nearly falling asleep in Borders, and buying a German phrasebook, we went and got some cheap Chinese food from a funny little shop. I ate satay chicken, with these cool little noodles. It actually tasted quite nice, until one of the noodles seemed excessively chewy. I plunged a finger into my mouth to fish it out. I felt like a food doing that, but as I pulled it out - what the fuck? It's a loop. It's a freaking rubber band. The noodles were about the same colour and thickness, so it wasn't at all noticeable. Internet Friend stared in shock, and I found it amusing, and I was too hungry to stop eating. When I was finished, I just let the people that work there know what happened, but I started off by saying "I'm not angry but I just thought I'd let you know...". Haha, I'm such a passive person.

When I got home I got a phone call from a collegue who wanted me to take his shift the next morning. I'd been given no shifts this week, and I only got shifts by accepting other people's shifts. I said I'd do it. Dan and I had been planning to go up to our pub (the one we work at) to do Karaoke. We still went ahead as planned, but I didn't want a big night. After drinking 3 Smirnoff Twists at Dan's place, and then getting lots of free beer at work, the plans for Karaoke, and a small night were abandoned... we got a lift home, and chatted for a while. We were wasted. I had to work in the morning.

Friday the 30th of December, 2005:
I woke up after a dream about aliens invading. I lay in bed for a while going over the dream, and then remembered I had to work. I checked my phone, checking that I hadn't slept through my alarm. It was 6:30, so I went back to sleep to get that last hour. I felt fine.

I woke up again and checked the time. 7:15. I turned the alarm off and got up, and I felt disgusting. The existance of the universe seemed a repulsive thought to me. Everything was repulsion. I sat in the air conditioning and tried to eat two slices of toast with Vegemite, but I was struggling with the second one. As I went into my room to get clothes for after a shower, I nearly spewed all over my bed. Managed to hold it in until I got to the bathroom, and nearly let it all out there, but I hate vomiting so much I decided to hold it all in. It's my stomach and I can tell it what to do. I could feel my whole oesophagus tensing up in readyment. How the fuck was I going to be able to go to work like that? I had a long shower and started to feel ok. While in the shower I remembered that I had typed a word into my phone to remember it when I'm sober. I got out of the shower and shaved, got dressed, and checked my phone. The word was 'loinhole'. So I had a little chuckle and got on my bike and rode to work. Work was actually quite bearable, but the end of the shift couldn't come fast enough. I was going to have a few drinks at Dan's place that night, but then I declared that day and alcohol free day for me. Dan changed plans because he had to go over to his grandpa's place, and then he ended up getting drunk at a goth-chick friend of ours's place.

Saturday the 31th of December, 2005:
I knew this was going to be a big day. I had work from 5 pm to 10 pm, and then a New Year's party was to come after that. Dan was working with me, but starting at 4, so I got a lift with him and worked unpaid for an hour. Being New Year's, it was busy, but even busier than expected. We were rushed off our feet for a lot of the time. It was hectic. A big group of people who we knew some of turned up. It was mad crazy. Because it was a busy night we had to be really agressive in asking for ID. Anyone who looked under 25 had to be IDed. A guy and a girl turned up and the guy asked for a 6pack of rum and coke, and I asked him for ID, and he said he'd just recently lost it. I explained to him that now that I'd asked for ID, and he hadn't produced it, I was legally not allowed to serve him. His girlfriend had ID and she said she'd just buy it, and then I explained that I couldn't now serve her either, because I knew it was for him. I tried to explain 'It's not me, it's the law'. The guy was going inside to find the security guard he knows... so he could vouch for his age, but he wasn't on that night. I tried to seem apologetic, even though I was just doing my job. I told the girl that I hope they had a good night. For what it's worth, I do believe this guy was over 18, but the lost ID does sound a bit convenient. The guy came back, knowing that the security guard he knows wasn't on, and he was telling me that he was a regular there. I said "Well, I've never seen you before", and then he suddenly made it personal, telling me I'm a fucking dickhead, that I should shave my sideburns and whatever. I just kind of went into 'whatever mode', told him sarcastically that I would shave off my sideburns, and he's then telling me not to be a smartarse and to come out from behind the counter to settle it... Dan was calling security, and other customers were laughing at the guy and he was threatening them too... one girl there put herself in between her boyfriend and this cockhead. He left when he was told that security was on its way. Fucking wanker. Anyway, what surprised me is my reaction... apart from a slight bit of sarcasm, it didn't even affect me. I carried on serving other customers. I didn't feel any fear, any aggression. I think I'm dead inside. I don't respond to some things, and it's usually the serious things. I guess I would have been scared if Dan wasn't there, and security wasn't coming, but I don't know. I few months ago some friends and I were driving at night near the airport and there was an invisible bend where we nearly lost control of the car. We would have probably died, because the crash might not have been noticed by anyone around. The other guys in the car were a little shaken up, but I was just like "oh...". After this cockhead at work left though, I noticed that my arms had done their thing and become weak, which means I did respond in some way... subconsciously, although I think that was only actually after the incident... It's so counter productive - I've only just realised - a hangover from a strange childhood and my fears of turning into a violent man, like my father. Now I'm not complaining that I'm not a violent person, but I'm wondering if this would prevent me from really defending myself if it really got to that stage. Would there be an override switch? Would adrenaline kick in and actually give me increased strength (which I experienced once when I lifted a guy I went to school with from the train tracks when I thought he was going to be hit by a train), or would the violence issue still sap all energy from me... This could be a way in which my father can STILL hurt me, even though his abusive behaviour was stopped long ago by a court order. Maybe I should go and see a 'therapist' about this (*sounds like a yank*), take up some kind of martial art - even just imagining taking a martial arts course has just made it hard to type because my arms have just gone a little bit. Ok, so I've gone on a massive sidetrack here, and this has nothing to do with New Year's eve, but it's just something I got to thinking about.

Anyway, so at the end of the night, we were about $32 down in the till... for which Dan and I put our own money in to correct. It just sucks because there was a good chance it was probably Dinosaur's fault, but coming on after him it falls on our heads.

Anyway, so we were just glad to get out of there, and we drove off to the New Year's party. On the road we noticed a huge huntsman spider crawling up the inside of the windscreen.

When we got to the party, it was a bit after 11, and we started drinking - I had Wild Turkey bourbon, and vanilla coke. We were talking to the girl who Dan goes to uni with who lives there, who will be known as La Quiff. She's lovely, except she was drunk, and asking about how Dan's going 'with his girl', and he had to explain that they'd broken up, and it took her a while to understand that he didn't want to talk about it. Dan mentioned the whole Burnsy thing, and it seemed like he was telling it to put me in my place or make me feel bad about it, so there was a bit of laughing at my expense, yay. I'm not pissed off, I'm just kind off feeling worn out.

Including myself, there were three redheaded guys at the party... and we all had big sideburns... although the consensus was that mine were the best (the two other guys were brothers, and one of them was only 17... give him time).

And yeah, Mr New Year's was there. He still lives there. And he seemed to be single now, although his ex (??) was one of the first people I saw as we got to the party. I wasn't really sure if I even still had a crush on him. I was kind of passively watching him for a while, and he was kind of the life of the party. Mr New Year's (MNY) and La Quiff did the 'dots dance', which was just madly jumping around on a piece of carpet with big dots on it - hilarious. A group of people including La Quiff and MNY all did a countdown (5 minutes too late) and stripped off madly and jumped in an inflatible pool. A girl called Sarah fell into a fence paling with a nail sticking out of it... she had a big gash in her leg. I took her to the bathroom and looked in the cabinets and only found White King (bleach) and Listerine (mouthwash), but the guys from next door came in with detol and bandages. A panadol tablet was forcibly shoved into her mouth, and it became chaos: Listerine all over her leg, all over everyone, everyone shouting. MNY's contribution was to flick the bathroom lights on and off like a disco. Haha. Later Iended up in his room having a chat to some girls while he was playing the piano, but I didn't really speak to him that much, just a little bit. I get the feeling I'd get on with him quite well but I really don't know, and the crush started to fade a little bit, I think - but actually I don't know.

Something which I missed... I don't know where I was at the time, but apparently a couple of people from down the street gate crashed. They were really annoying and wouldn't leave, so a girl called Jo pushed one of them down the stairs... the at the bottom of the stairs, this guy picked up a bottle and threw it at the house. MNY, who is normally a very calm person, just picked up the broken bottle and chased after the gatecrashers and chased them away... haha, I kinda wish I saw that...

We were still awake at sunrise, so we walked up the hill to a church. I walked to E's place and called out, no answer so I sent her a message. Got a reply back later, and she's split up with her boyfriend, and she's not living there anymore - and at the moment she's interstate with a friend for New Years.

At the church we sat on the grass and had a view of the city and the sun rising through it, and got bitten by green ants. We went back home and MNY was just about to wake up to go to work (at 6 am) and I couldn't get to sleep because a girl who was sleeping on the futon kept moaning whenever I got close to nodding off. I had to have a little giggle each time. So I got up and I was eating cherry ripes and sitting on the front verandah. I realised MNY had slept through his alarm, so I knocked on his door, and he was awake... I said "I think you slept through your alarm" and he said he reset it. I only spoke to him a little bit because the girl on the futon woke up and Dan came inside cause sleeping in his van was impossible once the sun had hit it.

Futon girl went home, Dan moved onto the Futon and I found La Quiff's bed empty downstairs and slept there. Then we drove home, stopping at Maccas and at work... had a chat to Dinosaur. Actually quite a graphic discussion about AGBs... Blah blah blah.

Anyway, I'm sitting at home now in the air conditioning, chilling out. Thinking periodically about MNY. It's hard to tell if I still have a crush on him... it may even be stronger than before... but everything is just so abstract at the moment. And personally I'm feeling ok, but I think I need to spend more time with friends who really think I'm something fucking special... not that I'm feeling taken for granted, but bah, I dunno. I miss my uni friends. I'm in a little bit of a rut at the moment, but overall I'm optimistic about things.

I'm just going to stop writing now because this is long enough...
Take care!
Ben

5:49pm 1/1/06

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