Thursday, December 22, 2005

Surrounded by sadness...

Ok, I haven't written here for ages, and from the title it would seem that my life has slipped backwards, but that's a misleading title. It's not my sadness, it's other people's sadness. A friend of mine has just lost his love of four years and he's gutted. He doesn't know what to do with his life, and he can't bear his life at the moment. And another friend is in a place that was my home for too many years... I can tell he really hates himself right now. He feels alone and he's been crying himself to sleep many nights in a row.

I had an odd thought about this: I would rather it was me going through this pain.

That is at the same time both selfless, and selfish. For years I lived in pain, and actually to describe the way I was living as "living" is kind of a gross misrepresentation, but in a way I kind of think that I can handle that more than others. It's kinda my home-turf in a way. I know it's complete 'rubbash', but I guess I'd rather it was me because then I could be sure everything's going to be ok. I trust myself not to do anything drastic, but I can't be sure of my friends. Then again, as my story goes, if I were someone else, I wouldn't trust me not to do anything crazy. I just don't know, but it seems somehow significant to be surrounded by so much and such deep sadness at the time when my life is actually picking up and approaching that of a normal human being. Significant in what way, I don't know (er... the general way, I guess). In a way I feel powerless as well, because nothing I can say is going to bring my friend's girlfriend back, and in that four years all of his plans for the future came to involve her. He's breaking inside and it's hard to watch. I gave him a big hug last night and I think it did more than anything I said... which wasn't much. For the self-hating friend, I have a little more to say because I've been there... but I also know how little it actually gets through because you expect that people are only saying nice encouraging things to make you happy, not because they believe them. For a couple of people I know, this is going to be the saddest Christmas ever.

To move the attention back to me (where it's all at! Yeah! YEAH! - Oh, I embarrass me), work's been ok. I'm more confident every day, and I just realised: I'm a human and I can do this. It's good to know. It's also the first time in my life I've actually been attracted to (or in the vulgar language: had a crush on) two people at the same time. One is someone at work: straight but a damn nice guy, a a bit of alright as well, but I can't expect anything from that obviously - **bashes thought to death with a broom handle**. The other is actually gay (also a first, pretty much), and I may be seeing him on New Year's at a party. Just while writing this I realised why I'm suddenly interested in other people - for the first time I can see how my life is actually able to move forward. I guess no one will understand how much Getting a Job was a huge hurdle for me. Enormous. And now I have one (at the moment not with the hours I'd like, but what are ya gonna do?). Anyway, I guess, for the first time in my life I'm able to look at something else other than the mess that has been my life. My subconscious must have decided, that, for the first time in my life, I'm finally able to have a relationship... or at least think about one, because in the past I'm sure I've never been ready. Maybe my subconscious sabotaged it all last year when I was going out with the guy who I turned down because my heard wasn't in it... shame, cause he was hot.

Anyway, I don't know what's going to happen on New Year's... I think I'll give it a crack, cause I can't stop thinking about this guy (Mr New Years) since the last time I saw him. I've only met him twice, spoken in total with him probably only for about five minutes, and the first time I met him I was drunk and calling him the name of a dog from some obscure 5 minute sci-fi claymation show for children (thinking it was funny, and that people would have any idea what I was on about, rather than just doubling this poor guy's name and saying it as one word). Oh, and I just realised this guy must think I'm straight cause the first time I met him, at a party at his house, I ended up making out with a chick I met there... shit, I don't even know if he's single - I'm basing the assumption that he is on the fact that his boyfriend whom I met at the first party, wasn't at the second one... maybe I'm setting myself up for a big fall, and New Years could be a horrible experience (being rejected, or just realising I don't have the guts), but if it is I'll just pick myself up and carry on. I trust myself to be able to do that.

Without getting into a big rant, I've also been very bothered by what I've learnt about Poland. So much so that I've pretty much given up hope of starting teaching there. I can't even be bothered providing a link, but what's bothering me is the newly elected fascist government. I don't shout out that I'm gay from the rooftops, and I know I could fool people, but the fact is that I don't want to live in a country where the commonly held belief is that gay people molest children. This is particularly relevant to me since I had in fact planned to teach, and gay teachers in Poland regularly lose their jobs as there is no kind of antidiscrimination law in place. In fact the Prime Minister, Lech Kaczyński, is probably going to make it illegal for gay people to teach children. I feel like it's a bit of a cop-out to decide not to go to Poland because of this, but I really don't want the first time I live in another country to be an experience of hiding myself (especially now that I've finally got to the point where I can say for sure that I don't feel ashamed), and fearing losing my job if one of my confidantes wants to use something over me, and the statistics say that that WILL happen to me in Poland, unless I keep it a complete secret - which I think would eat away at my soul. I'm fuming over this. I'm avoiding a country because of this. This is shaping the course of my life and they don't have a right to. But what can I do? Well I guess I'll just save more and go to Germany straight up... it's harder to get a job there, and more expensive to live, but at least the country is not backward... in fact it would be great to live in a society even more accepting of difference than Australia... and I know the language, which would be a help to no end. I've pretty much given up on learning Polish -it's very difficult anyway, which would mean it'd take me ages to get to fluency, or the stage where I could be able to explain myselt - Polski jest bardzo trudny język!

Which brings me onto another topic which is going to expose my strange nerdiness for languages. I'm kind of interested in Esperanto. If you don't know about Esperanto, it's a language which was written by a Polish occulist by the name of Ludwig Zamenhof over 100 years ago, in the hope of becoming an international language with no bias towards one culture or nationality or another. Zamenhof was inspired by growing up as a Jew in an eastern Polish town called Białystok, where the Jews, Germans, Poles, Russians and Lithuanian speaking groups all hated each other. Zamenhof started refering to himself as Doktoro Esperanto ('esperanto' meaning 'one who hopes') and his Lingwo Uniwersala started to become known as Esperanto. Esperanto didn't really catch on as much as was expected, but today it has an estimated 2 million speakers, and there are even native speakers. From what I've seen it really seems to have taken off in China, Japan, Eastern Europe and Brazil, as well as Canada. Its grammar is very easy and regular, and it's supposedly much easier than natural languages to learn. I can vouch (if that's how you spell that word) for this because I read one story, and got halfway through another (Tarzan) in Esperanto, and can understand a lot now. It's a shame I stopped ready Tarzan really... Anyway, what I like about Esperanto is that it's a constructed language. The small number of native speakers means just about everyone who speaks it decided to learn it. They are either a language nerd like me or are just interested about the world and its inhabitants (also like me). It's kind of a language for dreamers. Another thing which is really cool, which I just found out yesterday, is that there's a registry of Esperanto speakers around the world who open their houses to other Esperanto speakers and put them up as guests while on their travels... this sounds really interesting to me... I'd love to mix with other Esperanto speakers; it seems like a really intelectual world to me, and I wouldn't mind immersing myself in it. There are conventions, and there's even a university in Slovakia where everything is taught in Esperanto. A German friend of mine says that there's a lecturer who teaches in it at his university. Maybe I can explore all of this more when I'm in Europe. My Diary of a Polish Learner is probably going to get abandoned, but I may start a new blog of random ramblings in Esperanto... I may even just type nonsense in there, or make up stupid stories. Or even erotic stories... you'll have to learn Esperanto with me to find out...

I have to work this afternoon from 5:00, and as it's the biggest day of business in the year for establishments such as mine, we have three people rostered on, and we even have hired security with us... and I only got about four hours sleep last night. This is going to be fun...

Oh by the way, I don't know what happened to the thing where I could tell the system what the time actually is as I post this thing... it's always way off. So I'll just tell you now that it's 10:12 Am on Christmas Eve 2005 -

I'm editing now, and wow, it's actually more than two days off... and I can't change it... it's now 10:41

My thoughts are with my friends in difficulty, as well as the friends who really helped me through my difficulties.

Feliĉegan Kristnaskon!

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